Art Neilson

He taught two subjects: Art, and Neilson―
Known better as the facts of life.
If he forgot your name, his became Old Snotnose.
But he never did, so he called me by my last name
And I called him Art Neilson.

He stood straight as a gravestone.
Built like an ox, he was a gentle giant.
Class with Art was like being afraid
To step in the ring with your grandpa
Because you know you’d lose.

After class, I’d brag to my friends,
And anyone else who would listen,
That I’d learned from the best today;
That today I learned the Art of Neilson
In my ninth grade Biology Class.

Conditioned to Feel Stress

As a recent graduate of only a few weeks, the residual effects being conditioned to feel stressed from academic life has yet to wear off. It could have something to do with how I personally approach university life, but I'd guess after 4 or so years at university most people grow accustomed to feeling stress associated with balancing classes, work, and everything else in a busy student’s life. By that, I don’t mean that I think most students learn to manage their stress in a healthy way; a lot of college students never learn to adequately manage the stress of college life before they stumble out of the four-ish year wilderness ass-backwards across the graduation finish line.

In my personal college experience, there was always a tough mathematical concept for me to learn just around the bend at any given moment--and to be honest, most of the stress came from my honestly not knowing if I’d be able to wrap my head around the upcoming complex concepts. A lot of my stress wasn’t in the actual studying or classwork, but the constant anticipation of the work to be and remembering in the back of my mind that after I finish whatever it is I happen to be enjoying at any given time that I’ll probably be up most of the night finishing some paper, proof, or project.

As a result, it’s reasonable to feel like, as a student, you’re being trained to not feel excited about life. If you’ve been repeatedly conditioned to not let yourself get excited about it being the weekend because of the impending upcoming Monday, or to not let yourself enjoy dinner with friends because it cuts into your homework time which will then cut into your sleep schedule--then you’re not alone. Being a student is hard. There’s always more you could be doing, more you could be studying instead of being out having fun. Your effort might even be good enough to get yourself an A, but it’s never enough to feel like you genuinely did everything you possibly could to succeed.

It seems to me like this is part of growing up. Being mature enough to realize there’s always some part of you that is unrealized potential, or coming to the realization that you don’t actually know what your optimal path in life is--that’s an important part of the human experience, as far as I can tell.

So that's where I’m at right now. After graduating, I’m at a crossroads of sorts. There’s about a million directions I could take my math degree and run. But as far as stress is concerned? I’m sure the next major catalyst is just around the corner, but I’m not worried. It’s a funny thing that one can feel stress in merely the anticipation of future stress, but hey. That’s life.

Steps Stained Black

If you happened past the presidents circle steps
On the right November day,
You saw the left over candles
And the remainder of loving sentiment
Resting on the darkened steps.

To you, he may have only been a classmate
Or a kid whose math homework you graded--
A face in the crowd you never recognized whose soul you never spoke to.
For some, he was a tragedy that had us calling our loved ones
And staying up with the news 'til 4 AM only to see tomorrow rescheduled out of respect.

Not knowing his name before
Didn't prevent a tear shed
Any more than it did the pulling close of loved ones,
In fear they might not be there every future day,
In a solace so somber they weren't today's hallowed one.

To those who knew him, he was a friend--a best friend--and a virtuous man.
He was a son, an elder, and a saint.
A scholar in the making, a walking inspiration, a burning example of what a person should be.
But now, the flames are gone.

Though his legacy yet remains in memories
Like a fresh wound waiting to scar,
Here's to his vigil
Which left us with anything but just hardened wax, a half raised flag, and the marble steps stained black.

In memory of ChenWei Guo

The Challenge (this is not a new year's resolution)

One of the biggest challenges I've consistently faced in life since adolescence has a lot to do with my desire to do as much as possible before I die. I want to experience everything, I want to visit everywhere, I want to be good at everything, and so much more. I don't really know where it comes from, but I find immense fulfillment in diverse experience and I enjoy change. I guess it's who I am.

The problem with this desire to experience everything (other than the implicit impossibility) is the risk of growing into a personification of old adage "jack of all trades master of none." Maybe this isn't necessarily a problem--being a jack of all trades sounds pretty neat. But I'd rather be damned than grow to be 70 years old and look back on my life and think "wow, I really should have committed to something." Herein lies the challenge I expect to wrestle for quite a while. I don't expect this problem to go away or for my brain to just figure out a solution some day. I expect it to loom in the background as I continue to dance around it and experience life in my own way the best I can. I expect to keep trying to experience everything I can while I figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life at any given time.

Although this thought challenge of diverse vs refined experiences was something I've thought of from a young age, it expressed itself in a life-altering decision of picking a college major at age 17. If I had held an actual conversation with myself, it probably would have gone something like this:

Me: "Okay, what are your favorite subjects in school?"
Other me: "Well I love English. I definitely have a passion for books and I love to voice my thoughts by writing. But I also love studying history..."
Me: "Okay, that's a good start! So--"
Other me: "But man, the school newspaper class might be my favorite class. Also I really enjoy the 'aha!' moment of math class and tutoring is a lot of fun. And don't get my started on my physics classes! I feel like I'm finally understanding how the world around me works."
Me: "Okay, maybe let's look at what kinds of jobs you think you'd like. Was there anything you ever wanted to be when you grow up?"
Other me: "Well I always thought it'd be neat to be a teacher, but everyone tells me the pay is too low. Maybe an engineer? Or a writer? I'm great at listening and helping people solve problems and AP Psych was really cool, so maybe a counselor? I also love movies and music though and would love to be involved with making them. Plus I definitely don't want to rule out law school or med school though... Hmmm..."

I imagine an experience like mine isn't exactly unique. But eventually, four notable events led me down the path to getting a BS in Mathematics.

First, I scored nearly perfect on the math portion of the ACT. I'd always thought I was better than average at math, but this is when I realized it might actually be a God-given talent.

Second, I read Paul Lockhart's 25-page godsend "A Mathematician's Lament." I could write an essay on this essay (and I have) and how it impacted my life. I could go on about how misunderstood math is by most people and even many mathematicians and educators. This essay is how I came to the understanding that Mathematics is worth falling in love with.

Third, I started teaching. I quickly realized that I enjoyed teaching so much that I could do it for the rest of my life even with minimal pay (this is to say nothing of my dissatisfaction with and a desire to improve systematic math education).

Fourth, I had a revelation. See, just because you can score in the 99th percentile on algebra, geometry, and trigonometry on a bullshit standardized test doesn't mean you're cut out to get a degree in math and study it for the rest of your life. I was nervous. I knew it'd be difficult and I'd probably be out of my element in pursuing a degree in math. Call it inspiration, call it God, or whatever else you will. But in that moment of thinking "Hey, maybe getting a math degree would be too hard for me," I had a thought I'd never had before. The words in the form of halfway decent life advice popped into my brain: "Don't choose not to do it just because it's difficult."

So there you have it. Seven years, a few retaken classes, and a lot of C's later, here I am waiting for my $40,000 piece of paper come in the mail after finishing my last semester of studying mathematics.

So what am I getting at? Well firstly, now that I'm done earning a piece of paper that says I know what math is, I'm done expending the necessary intense mental focus and experiencing the profound anxiety necessary to finish a math degree. But I also now have time to pursue some of my other passions including, of course, writing. Hence the resurrection of this old blog. Secondly, I don't really open up to people very often. There's not a single person in my life that I've disclosed every single one of these personal facts to before. So here they are. I don't necessarily mean to be secretive with my life, but I do enjoy privacy--and I'm better at listening and thinking than I am at speaking. Maybe writing will help improve that balance.

But perhaps most importantly, I've experienced a decent amount of life these past few years. It occurred to me that there might be people out there who have had similar experiences to mine--whether it's their thoughts on life, the college experience, or searching for passion in life. As someone who thinks about life, the universe, and everything quite often, I thought I'd open up my thoughts to the people I know if they're actually interested enough to read them. This post itself isn't particularly profound and it isn't supposed to be. But stay tuned if, for some reason, you're interested in me as a person, looking for more reminiscence of my life, wondering what the inside of my brain is like, and if you want to hear my thoughts on pretty much anything besides religion and politics.

Me: You know, I think it's about time we re-evaluated our goals for what we want to achieve in life.
Other me: Yeah, probably true. You know, I think I'm developing a passion for nutrition and exercise. Any ideas on how we should go about studying that?