A Note From Present Day
It's 2022. I'm in the car with my brother on the aux and we're rolling down to the local Domino's to snag a pizza for lunch. He's got a ska playlist on. After some Streetlight Manifesto, "Monster's Wedding" comes on followed by "Giant Robot Birdhead." Reminiscing ensues.
It's been a few years since I've purposely sought out listening to The Aquabats. As someone who loves new music, how could I be expected to listen to them ad nauseam for my entire life? Still, though, I love this band and I love the way they affected me as a person growing up.
If I chose one element of pop culture--be it music, movies, TV, sports, anything--to define my consciously formative years, it would be a mistake to choose anything besides The Aquabats. As I was learning to grow up and fit in during my junior high days, my friends introduced me to a wild super hero band that had some very impactful, unapologetic underlying messages. They were always wholesome and adventurous. They didn't play by the rules, but they weren't assholes. They took pride in being nerds, proclaiming themselves the founders of the "nerdcore" genre. They were perpetually stoked, and they hoped you would be, too. They loved nunchucks, action grips, and any kind of whacky, evil fighting, combination of magical monsters and animals you could think of. They wrote songs about Food Fights on the Moon, they threw out pizza and chicken nuggets and pastries at their concerts as they performed in front of custom clipped 1980's obscure action movies and shows from their own childhoods. They started a TV show to show off 40 year old men, out of shape and wearing spandex, fighting fantastical, mythical crime. They were defined by comic books, cartoons, and retro television. They taught me it was okay to be myself, but it wasn't okay to not be creative and whacky--and they did it by example. I listened to their albums, watched their music videos, and put on their live DVD's so many times I could often quote the lead singer's random rambling from an otherwise unknown 1990's concert in Pamona, CA that certainly nobody would have remembered had it not been for the camera. Being a fan very nearly meant being in a cult--and I mean that only in a good way.
They had a special cadet club with exclusive concerts and membership numbers. They had forums for their fans, and offshoot forums for people who got banned for being themselves a little too much. The depth of their universe of influence goes on and on.
Seven years ago, I wrote an article in which I ranked all the songs by The Aquabats that I listened to growing up. The music blog I wrote it on eventually faded from memory; I can't remember the login these days, and almost all the YouTube links in the original article are now broken. For the sake of posterity, I thought I'd copy the article over to my own personal blog and fix it up--but not update, edit, or expand it. The Aquabats have released a new Halloween album, a Christmas EP, and plenty of songs related to their Supershow since then, but I have no desire to change a piece of nostalgia in writing form from seven years ago. I do wish I wrote more about each song because there's not a song on this list I don't have strong feelings or memories about. But I also am proud of myself for assuming nobody would ever read all my thoughts on every song by The Aquabats and just kept my analysis to specific songs I had the most to say about.
I don't think The Aquabats will ever understand what it's like to be a preteen listening to their music and the profound effect it can have on growing up. Although I've loved them from day one and always since, I've always maintained that they just aren't for everybody and that's okay. I don't recommend them to most people I meet who ask for music suggestions. Some people take the world seriously, after all, and some people don't like songs about riding tigers and fighting time sprinklers. But to me, they'll always be seriously the best band in the world.
A Ranking of All 81 Songs by The Aquabats! (2015)
Last Place (Tier 6)
This tier is basically all the rare songs by The Aquabats that I don’t really like to listen to. There’s only a handful of ‘bats songs I would skip if they came on my iPod on shuffle–and these are them.81. “Monster’s Wedding”
Like most bad Aquabat songs, the lyrics and vocals really bring this song down–when the MCBC takes things too far, he really takes it too far. It’s creepy, slow, filled with shrill harmonies, and doesn’t even remotely fit their normally adventurous and light-hearted appeal. Its one redeeming quality is the excellent horn part about 3 minutes in, but even The Aquabats themselves recognized this good horn part was being wasted on a bad song, so they recycled it into their rare “I Love the Monster” b-side. As one of several songs almost certainly about a dream MCBC had one night, this nightmare might have been better left unrealized.
80. “Food Fight On The Moon!”
On their latest album of mostly decent songs, “Food Fight On The Moon” stands out as their only obvious shortcoming. Although this Hi-Five Soup! doozy has a typical zany Aquabat concept and lyrics, FFOTM has uniquely awful instrumentals that we don’t see anywhere else in their discography. From the first few seconds, you can tell it’s going to be bad–the vocal count down is out of sync with the rest of the band and the high pitch synth part (that persists the ENTIRE song) is just too much.
79. “Canis Lupus”
78. “The Baker”
The only good thing about “The Baker” is that when the ‘bats play it live, they usually throw out delicious pastries to make up for their decision to take up a slot on their precious set-list with an extremely subpar song about a menial, jealous baker. That, and I guess the trumpet part is one of their better parts–but that doesn’t make up for “Sometimes it’s mighty lonely when you’re all alone (with a loaf of bread).”
77. “Attacked by Snakes!”
76. “Amino Man”
75. “The Man with Glooey Hands”
74. “Tiny Pants”
73. “Chemical Bomb”
I actually appreciate the joke here–which, I assume, is supposed to be a chill song in shocking juxtaposition with gruesome lyrics about the end of the world. I have no doubt that the MC Bat Commander actually had the idea for this while standing in line at a grocery store thinking about the end of the world–but none of that makes me enjoy listening to the song with images of a river of blood running through my head.
72. “All My Money!”
“Uh oh, uh oh, whoopsie!” is right.
71. “Now, Stand Back for Your Own Safety!”
This is essentially the point where I’m starting to get to songs I like to listen to. I don’t see anything wrong with “Now Stand Back For Your Own Safety.” It’s not a song, but it also doesn’t try to be. I think it perfectly accomplishes the goal of introducing a phenomenal album in a perfectly unique way. It’s great, but I just have a hard time listing it above songs I actually like to hear. If this was a ranking of awesomeness per second of track length, this track would be right near the top.
The Conflicting Bunch (Tier 5)
This tier is filled with songs that I feel conflicted about–songs that have both things I really like and dislike about them. For people willing to look past some of the weaknesses in these songs, I could see why these songs are actually fairly likable.70. “Lotto Fever”
It’s a bit sad that this song feels so lazy and mediocre because it also has easily the coolest (and only, maybe?) extensive keyboard solo in their recording history. This seems to be another song the MCBC wrote about a dream he once had–and it definitely has that gloomy (while somewhat upbeat) feel to it. Such a strange combination.
69. “Robot Theme Song”
68. “Sandy Face”
This song epitomizes ‘bats songs I have mixed feelings about. The dark sound of the majority of the song is pretty off-putting and the lyrics are a mystery. But the several breakdowns in the song with accompanying rap segments and groovy basslines combine for an incredibly interesting sound that we don’t really hear anywhere else. But in the end, this song just doesn’t come together as an enjoyable track as well as most of their other songs.
67. “Poppin’ A Wheelie!”
66. “Video Nite!”
65. “Cheeseburger Politics!”
64. “Stuck in a Movie!”
63. “Mechanical Ape!”
Perhaps the best out of the low-end Charge! tracks (#63-66), “Mechanical Ape” is, once again, supposedly about a dream the MCBC had one time. The resulting concept is a little weird, but fine. The dark sounding melody is okay. And the constant ooh-ahh’s are a little bit off-putting (besides the impressive double-time segment towards the end of the song). Ultimately, there’s just not a lot of good I see in this song, but the lyrics pitch an interesting idea of a metal, man-controlled King Kong–so that’s neat, at least.
62. “In My Dreams!”
61. “I Fell Asleep on My Arm”
Like “Chemical Bomb,” I appreciate what they were going for here. If you’ve ever listened to metal, this song is a great parody. The lyrics are great:
Corporate America makes pencils
For the man with the left hand
They make pencils for the man with the right hand
But what about the man with the numb hand?
But like a lot of songs in this tier, just because I appreciate the joke doesn’t mean I want to listen to this on my way home from work. Definitely nowhere near their worst song–in fact, I would love to hear this live sometime just to see people go nuts for the metal. But they definitely have better songs than their intriguing, one-off metal parody.
60. “The Thing on the Bass Amp”
59. “Tarantula”
58. “Magic Chicken!”
57. “Hello, Good Night”
I’ve thought a lot about what this slow, album-ending lullaby is about. I like the optimistic message–everything will be alright in the end, good things will happen in due time. This song often goes ignored because it doesn’t fit the normal zany Aquabats mantra. But the message, the flute solo, and the overall uniqueness combine for a pretty underrated song. Sure, #57 on my list isn’t exactly high up. But every song ranked below this song is a good one.
Good–Not Great (Tier 4)
Songs here in tier 4 are still a little weird–but things are just starting to get good.56. “Idiot Box” (Return)
55. “Martian Girl” (Return)
54. “Aquabat March”
There are two kinds of Aquabats fans. Those who love The Return and those who don’t. In my teenage years, I had a summer where I almost exclusively listened to The Return of The Aquabats and I grew to love it. But eventually, I moved on. I still like it, but I would probably say it’s my fourth or fifth favorite album. I tend to enjoy the higher quality re-recorded tracks from Fury more than the older ones from Return. “Aquabat March” is actually a pretty good jam as far as their early ska is concerned and it has some fantastic horn solos. But it’s also not the kind of track you’ll ever hear Aquabat fans raving about.
53. “Cat with 2 Heads!”
52. “Fight Song!”
51. “Worms Make Dirt”
This was THE first Aquabats song I ever heard. In fact, the first taste of The Aquabats I ever got was my friend Patrick Steele singing this song to himself back in 7th grade. In reality, though, this song is pretty subpar compared to their best stuff–getting through the intro takes some patience and the MCBC sounds like he had a cold when he recorded the chorus. There’s some good, catchy, musical ideas in this song, but it never really all comes together. But I owe this song a debt of gratitude for introducing me to “seriously the best band in the world,” so despite its shortcomings, I can’t stay mad at it.
50. “Idiot Box!” (Fury)
49. “Demolition Rickshaw!”
48. “Hey Luno”
47. “Anti-Matter”
46. “Phantasma del Mar!”
Instrumental tracks are always difficult to rate and most fans forget they exist, but I think “Phantasma del Mar!” stands out above their other vocal-less tracks. Their unique use of an organ in this song creates a grand, eerie introduction. The horns are fantastic and everything meshes well instrumentally. Sadly, this isn’t the kind of song you’ll ever hear live–unless the ‘bats suddenly remember that this song exists (ha) and bring back a couple of horn players (haha). If nothing else, revisiting this song actually shows The Aquabats have always actually been fairly talented instrumentalists.
45. “Sequence Erase”
44. “Dear Spike”
43. “Lobster Bucket!”
As one of the first Aquabats songs I ever heard, this song does have a special place in my heart. The hand solo is top notch and the finger picking/clarinet intro is memorable–but the best part of the song has got to be the intro. The vocal track is a little off the rails–which isn’t rare for The Aquabats. But it’s a little too obscure to be a true fan favorite.
42. “Just Can’t Lose!”
41. “B.F.F.!”
55. “Martian Girl” (Return)
54. “Aquabat March”
There are two kinds of Aquabats fans. Those who love The Return and those who don’t. In my teenage years, I had a summer where I almost exclusively listened to The Return of The Aquabats and I grew to love it. But eventually, I moved on. I still like it, but I would probably say it’s my fourth or fifth favorite album. I tend to enjoy the higher quality re-recorded tracks from Fury more than the older ones from Return. “Aquabat March” is actually a pretty good jam as far as their early ska is concerned and it has some fantastic horn solos. But it’s also not the kind of track you’ll ever hear Aquabat fans raving about.
53. “Cat with 2 Heads!”
52. “Fight Song!”
51. “Worms Make Dirt”
This was THE first Aquabats song I ever heard. In fact, the first taste of The Aquabats I ever got was my friend Patrick Steele singing this song to himself back in 7th grade. In reality, though, this song is pretty subpar compared to their best stuff–getting through the intro takes some patience and the MCBC sounds like he had a cold when he recorded the chorus. There’s some good, catchy, musical ideas in this song, but it never really all comes together. But I owe this song a debt of gratitude for introducing me to “seriously the best band in the world,” so despite its shortcomings, I can’t stay mad at it.
50. “Idiot Box!” (Fury)
49. “Demolition Rickshaw!”
48. “Hey Luno”
47. “Anti-Matter”
46. “Phantasma del Mar!”
Instrumental tracks are always difficult to rate and most fans forget they exist, but I think “Phantasma del Mar!” stands out above their other vocal-less tracks. Their unique use of an organ in this song creates a grand, eerie introduction. The horns are fantastic and everything meshes well instrumentally. Sadly, this isn’t the kind of song you’ll ever hear live–unless the ‘bats suddenly remember that this song exists (ha) and bring back a couple of horn players (haha). If nothing else, revisiting this song actually shows The Aquabats have always actually been fairly talented instrumentalists.
45. “Sequence Erase”
44. “Dear Spike”
43. “Lobster Bucket!”
As one of the first Aquabats songs I ever heard, this song does have a special place in my heart. The hand solo is top notch and the finger picking/clarinet intro is memorable–but the best part of the song has got to be the intro. The vocal track is a little off the rails–which isn’t rare for The Aquabats. But it’s a little too obscure to be a true fan favorite.
42. “Just Can’t Lose!”
41. “B.F.F.!”
Songs That Rock (Tier 3)
From here on out, I consider all these Aquabat songs to be great. This is also probably the tier you’ll find songs you feel got snubbed–songs that are widely considered pretty great, but never really did it for me-- as well as my favorite songs that aren't widely considered to be that great.
40. “Marshmallow Man”
39. “Ska Robot Army”
38. “Radiation Song”
37. “The Story of Nothing!”
A lot of fans might say this is one of the biggest snubs on the list. Sure, the sax solo intro is great, but I never really thought this song was top tier–probably because I never liked the idea of being turned into nothing. It’s still a good ska song, but I’m always a little disappointed when I hear this song live instead of what I consider to be the better ska equivalent in “My Skateboard” or a far more entertaining yet somewhat rare performance of “Giant Robot-Birdhead.”
36. “Plastic Lips!”
35. “Fashion Zombies!”
This is probably the highest profile song this low on the list. I loved the music video and my 8th grade self loved judging the fashion zombies I saw around me on the daily in Jr High. Although the song rocks and I enjoyed the social commentary, I always felt that the dark alter-ego that rears its head about once or twice an album just isn’t the best sound for The Aquabats. The Thriller homage is fun, but all things considered, this song averages out to be only slightly better than a middle-of-the-pack song.
34. “Pinch and Roll”
I don’t care what anyone says, a song about scratching your balls is great. It’s not the kind of song you’d use to introduce someone to The Aquabats–but it’s a little bit (and only a little bit) surprising this never caught on and became a cult classic in the ska scene.
33. “Playdough” (Return)
32. “Luck Dragon Lady!”
On my first listen, this was my favorite Hi-Five Soup! track. It’s dreamy, catchy, and surreal. But I’m really not joking when I say this–one day I listened to it with broken headphones, which distorted the sound and only played some of the audio parts, and I never listened to this song the same way again. “Luck Dragon Lady” is a little muddled, but the MCBC’s rapping is solid, the “fly away with me” lyrics are alluring, and the childhood feel of The Neverending Story brings this song up a few notches, supplying a nostalgic feel if nothing else.
31. “Hey Homies!”
If you wanted to argue with me on this song being in the top 25, I’d be willing to concede that overall this song isn’t a stellar song. It’s a little gimmicky, overly bouncy, though really catchy. But this song is a classic for me and my family–holler a rhythmic “what was that?” at my old man and he’ll get a kick out of it, and maybe ask you “YOU WANNA HUG???” This song somehow infiltrated my family's collective consciousness, and that makes it a little bit special. Plus it’s just about bro-ing out and being a homie. The friendly concept of “Hey Homies” is The Aquabats at their core, even if the song isn’t a masterpiece.
30. “Martian Girl!”
Look, I don’t have time to address every song you think I snubbed. This song is classic and wacky, but it isn’t, and never will be, one of The Aquabats’ best songs. The “wo wo wo wo wo” is classic as hell, though.
29. “Hot Summer Nights (Won’t Last Forever)!”
Tracks That Rip (Tier 2)
This tier is riddled with songs I think are severely underrated. There’s so much I could say about each of these tracks, but I’ll keep the word count down under a couple thousand words for you.28. “Danger Woman”
27. “Meltdown!”
26. “CD Repo Man”
25. “The Ballad of Mr. Bonkers”
Just skip to 2:30 for one of the most rocking and strangely iconic bits the ‘bats have ever written.
24. “Adventure Today”
Adventure. The Goonies. The Aquabats. Three great ideas crammed into one song. An early adolescent, nostalgic classic.
23. “Captain Hampton and the Midget Pirates!”
22. “Radio Down!” (Featuring Biz Markie)
Radio Down is a catchy song with great subject matter: “Don’t turn the radio down, we like the music loud.” All this Coupled with Biz Markie and his rap:
Bump the bass, bump the highs,
I want some ketchup on my hamburger and fries.
You know me as the B-I-Z M-A-R-K-I-E
And this is how I slow it down in the place to be.
Oh, ah! I wanna piece of pie!
No matter what I say, it always comes out fly!
That’s why I roll with the brothas that’s got it like that,
They go by the name of The Aquabats!
And there you have a severely underrated Aquabats classic.
21. “Pink Pants!” (Featuring Strong Bad)
Yes, I bought into the Strong Bad/Homestar Runner gimmick. And I loved it. Consider this one a guilty pleasure.
20. “It’s Crazy, Man!”
19. “Powdered Milk Man!”
This is one of the few times the dark sound worked for The Aquabats–and it really worked. This song excels on several levels–it’s a crime fighting classic, the opening verses have some of the best lyrics the ‘bats have ever penned, the breakdown is beautiful (complete with fireworks and gunfire), and is easily has two of their best sax and trumpet solos.
18. “Tiger Rider vs. the Time Sprinkler!”
17. “Nerd Alert!”
What to say about the anthem of my adolescence? I still have my super cool wristbands on my dresser.
16. “The Legend Is True!”
If you weren’t a fan of Hi-Five Soup (I imagine a good chunk of fans predating 2005’s Charge! aren’t) and were looking for something decent to grab on to besides the indisputable “Shark Fighter,” then I’d submit this song to you. It rocks. It’s a cute story, somewhat reminiscent of the kind of romance we hear about in “Red Sweater”–except this time the love is legendary. Sure, this album was more engineered to a younger audience. But give this song a shot. Just please ignore the first 6 seconds of synthetic nonsense. Forsooth.
Serious Awesomeness (Tier 1)
15 & 14. “Pool Party” and “Pizza Day”
Nothing in my mind could separate these two songs from each other. I’m sure they’ve each been played at ~99% of their concerts since they came out–and they’re two fantastic songs to see played live. Between the floaty toys, beach balls, and throwing pizza out into the crowd, a modern day Aquabats concert isn’t complete without these two brother and sister songs. Although each one is iconic on its own, these two popular Myths and Legends hits belong on this list together. Just don’t ask me which is 14 and which is 15.
13. “Hi-Five City!”
12. “The Wild Sea”
Wild Sea is an adventure rock band’s ultimate adventure song. The one thing that always gets me about this song: between the two lines “a boat, a viking, my dad and me” and “a man overboard every day,” I like to imagine the kid describing the wild sea to us actually spent more time falling off the boat than sailing the sea.
11. “The Shark Fighter!”
You can hate Hi-Five Soup! but you can’t hate “Shark Fighter.”
10. “My Skateboard!”
9. “Look at Me (I’m a Winner)!”
8. “Theme Song!”
In a 1 minute 48 second nutshell, this song is The Aquabats. Why don’t they play this more??? Their theme song is severely underrated and underplayed–one of their catchiest songs they’ve ever written.
7. “Awesome Forces!”
Consider this The Aquabats theme song updated for the 21st century. Their mission becomes more focused on purely fighting the forces of evil for the sake of goodness while producing rock music, and simultaneously shying away from their original goals of producing ska and trying to make it back home to Aquabania. “Awesome Forces!” is the best rock song The Aquabats ever written.
6. “Super Rad!”
A clear fan favorite dating back to their 1997 hit album Fury, a lot of fan lists would likely top with “Super Rad.” And while it’s clearly the most iconic and most commercially successful, and by far their most notable contribution to ska music, I’m not purely a ska junkie who thinks the Aquabats should go back to writing ska. Although their sound has evolved from ska into an unrecognizable self-described “nerd core,” I enjoy every kind of sound the ‘bats have produced on both ends of the spectrum, and everything in between. I think from 1997 on, they still had some of their best years ahead of them–although this was clearly the peak of their careers as ska artists.
5. “Giant Robot-Birdhead”
Floating Eye is an absolute mixed bag of an album. I still remember getting this album for Christmas in 9th grade and popping it in: after a short, mysterious minute and a half of Sequence Erase build up, this evil fighting, missile commanding, guitar slamming jam hit my stereo and I immediately cranked the volume. “Giant Robot-Birdhead” signified the beginning of a rock dominated ska fusion sound the ‘bats would explore for the next couple decades–and they hit that transition off with a bang.
4. “Playdough!” (Revisited)
The only bad thing you can say about “Playdough” is that when listening to the album, you have to fast forward a few minutes through silence to find the bonus track and sit another minute through the monologue intro. But once the song actually starts, it becomes clear that the ‘bats nailed the re-recording. They took a fantastic, fast-paced, nostalgia-laced anthem of searching for past childhood happiness and brought it up to Aquabat perfection.
3. “Red Sweater!”
Okay, this song might be about elementary school love, but the Aquabats have always excelled at writing childhood reminiscent stories into songs. Combine that with their wacky idea of what love should be like andiconic horn parts, and you have a simple formula for one of the greatest ska song they’ve ever written.
2. “Lovers of Loving Love”
Speaking of writing great and wacky love songs, “Lovers of Loving Love” opened the circle of love inside my heart towards the ska-influenced rock transition the Aquabats were undergoing with the release of Floating Eye. The song rocks and the lyrics are perfectly adorable. The message is one of hopefulness for finding perfect love as strong as whatever love the MCBC is singing about here. Sure, they have several songs more iconic to their sound than this song, but “Lovers of Loving Love” is special. So special.
1. “Waterslides!”
This probably isn’t the kind of ‘bats song you’d expect to see on top of this list. “Waterslides” isn’t the biggest hit The Aquabats have put out over the years and it isn’t necessarily one of their fan favorites either. But if you’ll hear me out, I’ll tell you why I love this song so much–and why I think it’s the epitome of all the great things The Aquabats stand for.
“Watersildes” encompasses everything good you can expect to get from The Aquabats. The lyrics are a little juvenile yet enigmatic–what is this waterslide we’re sliding across the sea together on?– and the mysterious love story it tells is sublime. It comes from Charge!, their best post-ska album, but still has clear ska influences reminiscent of their past. It's got the experience and evolution of several decades of songwriting, while still taking us back to their ska roots. It's our favorite no-longer-a-ska-band doing ska one last time. The chill but upbeat sound mixed with the Cali surfer motif creates an attractive, quintessential backdrop for a uniquely-Aquabats love anthem. The song includes a breakdown rap midway through that is an essential MCBC trademark. And although the lyrics are primarily a story about love, the story is purely adventurous.
To me, this song is a perfect blend of everything I like about (historically) my favorite band. Everything about “Waterslides” came together perfectly for The Aquabats in a unique way–a way that didn’t need a one-time silly gimmick or a wacky, in-your-face anecdote. Don’t get me wrong, I love the ‘bats for those. But that’s what separates “Waterslides” from the pack while still perfectly representing the essence of the Aquabats–it’s just a love song about an epic day at the beach; it’s an invitation to ride an endless waterslide, and the invitation calls: “So write the story with me.”
To me, this song is a perfect blend of everything I like about (historically) my favorite band. Everything about “Waterslides” came together perfectly for The Aquabats in a unique way–a way that didn’t need a one-time silly gimmick or a wacky, in-your-face anecdote. Don’t get me wrong, I love the ‘bats for those. But that’s what separates “Waterslides” from the pack while still perfectly representing the essence of the Aquabats–it’s just a love song about an epic day at the beach; it’s an invitation to ride an endless waterslide, and the invitation calls: “So write the story with me.”