The problem with this desire to experience everything (other than the implicit impossibility) is the risk of growing into a personification of old adage "jack of all trades master of none." Maybe this isn't necessarily a problem--being a jack of all trades sounds pretty neat. But I'd rather be damned than grow to be 70 years old and look back on my life and think "wow, I really should have committed to something." Herein lies the challenge I expect to wrestle for quite a while. I don't expect this problem to go away or for my brain to just figure out a solution some day. I expect it to loom in the background as I continue to dance around it and experience life in my own way the best I can. I expect to keep trying to experience everything I can while I figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life at any given time.
Although this thought challenge of diverse vs refined experiences was something I've thought of from a young age, it expressed itself in a life-altering decision of picking a college major at age 17. If I had held an actual conversation with myself, it probably would have gone something like this:
Me: "Okay, what are your favorite subjects in school?"
Other me: "Well I love English. I definitely have a passion for books and I love to voice my thoughts by writing. But I also love studying history..."
Me: "Okay, that's a good start! So--"
Other me: "But man, the school newspaper class might be my favorite class. Also I really enjoy the 'aha!' moment of math class and tutoring is a lot of fun. And don't get my started on my physics classes! I feel like I'm finally understanding how the world around me works."
Me: "Okay, maybe let's look at what kinds of jobs you think you'd like. Was there anything you ever wanted to be when you grow up?"
Other me: "Well I always thought it'd be neat to be a teacher, but everyone tells me the pay is too low. Maybe an engineer? Or a writer? I'm great at listening and helping people solve problems and AP Psych was really cool, so maybe a counselor? I also love movies and music though and would love to be involved with making them. Plus I definitely don't want to rule out law school or med school though... Hmmm..."
I imagine an experience like mine isn't exactly unique. But eventually, four notable events led me down the path to getting a BS in Mathematics.
First, I scored nearly perfect on the math portion of the ACT. I'd always thought I was better than average at math, but this is when I realized it might actually be a God-given talent.
Second, I read Paul Lockhart's 25-page godsend "A Mathematician's Lament." I could write an essay on this essay (and I have) and how it impacted my life. I could go on about how misunderstood math is by most people and even many mathematicians and educators. This essay is how I came to the understanding that Mathematics is worth falling in love with.
Third, I started teaching. I quickly realized that I enjoyed teaching so much that I could do it for the rest of my life even with minimal pay (this is to say nothing of my dissatisfaction with and a desire to improve systematic math education).
Fourth, I had a revelation. See, just because you can score in the 99th percentile on algebra, geometry, and trigonometry on a bullshit standardized test doesn't mean you're cut out to get a degree in math and study it for the rest of your life. I was nervous. I knew it'd be difficult and I'd probably be out of my element in pursuing a degree in math. Call it inspiration, call it God, or whatever else you will. But in that moment of thinking "Hey, maybe getting a math degree would be too hard for me," I had a thought I'd never had before. The words in the form of halfway decent life advice popped into my brain: "Don't choose not to do it just because it's difficult."
So there you have it. Seven years, a few retaken classes, and a lot of C's later, here I am waiting for my $40,000 piece of paper come in the mail after finishing my last semester of studying mathematics.
So what am I getting at? Well firstly, now that I'm done earning a piece of paper that says I know what math is, I'm done expending the necessary intense mental focus and experiencing the profound anxiety necessary to finish a math degree. But I also now have time to pursue some of my other passions including, of course, writing. Hence the resurrection of this old blog. Secondly, I don't really open up to people very often. There's not a single person in my life that I've disclosed every single one of these personal facts to before. So here they are. I don't necessarily mean to be secretive with my life, but I do enjoy privacy--and I'm better at listening and thinking than I am at speaking. Maybe writing will help improve that balance.
But perhaps most importantly, I've experienced a decent amount of life these past few years. It occurred to me that there might be people out there who have had similar experiences to mine--whether it's their thoughts on life, the college experience, or searching for passion in life. As someone who thinks about life, the universe, and everything quite often, I thought I'd open up my thoughts to the people I know if they're actually interested enough to read them. This post itself isn't particularly profound and it isn't supposed to be. But stay tuned if, for some reason, you're interested in me as a person, looking for more reminiscence of my life, wondering what the inside of my brain is like, and if you want to hear my thoughts on pretty much anything besides religion and politics.
Me: You know, I think it's about time we re-evaluated our goals for what we want to achieve in life.
Other me: Yeah, probably true. You know, I think I'm developing a passion for nutrition and exercise. Any ideas on how we should go about studying that?
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