(Rambling) On Compliments

The Duality of Compliments

Compliments are a bit of a social paradox. In some conversations, they’re thrown out carelessly and superficially to really say things like  “I want you to like me a bit more” or “I want something from you” or “I picked something you’re wearing and said it looks nice, so please compliment me back as a pleasantry.” This bothers me. But on the other hand, a good, creative, sincere compliment can change someone’s day and can be remembered years later. I think it all comes down to sincerity.

I’ve collected a few compliments that I’ve remembered years later. One time, an older stranger came up to me in an arcade right after I won the jackpot on a simple ball drop game and told me, “You know, I think you’re the coolest guy in here.” While I don’t believe it was true, I do believe that he believed what he said. The way he told it, he had been watching me from afar as he stood in line to get in. He saw my Aquabats snapback and my ITYSL t-shirt (I think my aesthetic and taste in pop culture were not unlike his own). He watched as I walked up to the game and beat it on my first try and he thought it was just a cool moment. Honestly, I didn’t know what to say back. I was caught off guard and a little bit dumbstruck, so I just said thanks. He didn’t want anything from me and I didn’t talk to him or see him ever again. If he had just said something more superficial or simple or something just based on the way I was dressed (like “I like your hat”), I wouldn’t have remembered it at this time of writing. At this point, I’d assume he wouldn’t even remember the interaction. But I think his sincerity etched the moment into my mind.

On a related note, I think praising someone’s physical appearance is the bottom of the compliment barrel. It can still be nice and sincere, but it’s often more of an icebreaker than anything. To me, it feels like a cheap exchange when I see someone walk up and say “Hey, I like your shoes,” and then the receiver looks back and says, “Oh thanks, I like your (first item of clothing I noticed).” In many situations, it’s normal to compliment someone’s appearance just to be nice and not because you mean it. And honestly, I think fake compliments and interactions like this cheapen genuine compliments and people would be better off without them.

The Oversaturated Market of Compliments

This is just my experience, but It seems odd to me how normal it is for women to compliment each other while men complimenting men is much more rare. This is something men could definitely do better at. And since it also seems much more common for men to compliment women than vice versa, it seems like there is a huge gender divide in the distribution of compliments. To a woman, a compliment might not mean much due to the oversaturated market of people saying nice things to them. On the other hand, to a man, it might mean a whole lot. I suppose that’s just the nature of it. But I guess that’s a life pro tip: if you want a man to feel good about himself, give him a nice compliment because it’s probably been a while.

As for me personally, I have a policy when it comes to compliments. Firstly, I’ll never say something nice to someone if it isn’t true. I believe this gives my positive words more meaning. It means you can believe what I say, or at the very least, you can believe that I believe what I say. I also never give a compliment when I want something from someone. The only time I give them is when an observation pops into my head that I think is worth sharing.

So yes, I don't dole out compliments like candy, even though I wish people would offer genuine compliments more often. I suppose I don't believe in forcing them. It’s rarity and sincerity that give compliments meaning. Or, at least, I hope they do. Nobody bothers to come up with unique compliments unless they really mean them. The easier it is to come up with, the less it means.

On Receiving Compliments

I myself am bad at accepting compliments. I’ve come to realize that the best thing to do is to just say thanks and move on. Reflexively and in the moment, I often try to think of a way to deflect a compliment, or I try to hurry and think of something nice to say back. But I think that feels disingenuous. To me, answering a compliment with a compliment says “Oh, right, I don’t want you to get the upper hand of being the nice one in this conversation.” As a result, even if I have something nice to say in return, I try to just say thanks instead. If I have something nice to say pop into my head as a response, I often hold onto it for later so as not to cheapen it by merely returning the volley.

I guess what I’m saying is, when someone offers you a legitimate compliment, I don't think you should be in a habit trying to think of something nice to shoot back at them. Besides, good compliment aren't easily deflected because they're not only true, but they resonate with the receiver.

So no, I don’t think the world is short on compliments. I think what we’re lacking is sincerity, creativity, and a goal of truthful kindness. That’s a change I wouldn’t mind seeing in the world.